Let's Be Real: Pessimists vs. Optimists

Why are you so pessimistic?  If I had a car for every time I was asked that question, I would have more cars than Jay Leno. But I never hear anyone question the optimist.  Why not ask "Why are you so optimistic?".  All too often the optimist is certain of a good outcome, whether it pertains to health, relationships, school/work, weather, etc. This cliche is so commonly found in all types of media, where a character gets let down by someone or something.  Optimists seem to be so sure of the future, but how can this be when the future is so unsure of itself?  The problem I have is that I don't see myself as a pessimist, but as a realist.

To be an optimist is to have high hopes on what is to come.  If what you are expecting to occur, in fact does not, then you feel let down, hopes have been crushed, and spirits are weighted. Now, in contrast, when you are a realist, or what some might refer to as a pessimist, hopes are not set high.  That is not to say there is no hope at all, but that there is little reliance upon them.  The key difference in the two is that the pessimist prepares for the worse whether or not s/he hopes for the best; where as the optimist hopes for the best and expects the best..

In my life I have learned not to be an optimist. Learned being the key word.  One too many times I had high expectations, of something happening that didn't.  I relied on my hopes for these events to occur and expected everything to work out perfectly as planned.  Life does not work like that.  One cannot plan out life, one has to journey through it.  So as I grew older, as more hopes were falsified, I started to change my thinking.  I realized I would start to think in a more realistic manner instead of relying on my hopes that had potential to sadden me if they fell through.  I would no longer plan out the future or expect things to go a certain way.  I began looking at all the outcomes, and how to handle them when the situation presented itself.  This was much better for me because I was not upset when something didn't go according to plan.  This type of thinking actually made me appreciate the good things in life a little bit more.  I wasn't setting high hopes anymore, meaning, I wasn't expecting anything to go as planned, so when something good out of the ordinary occured it was more extraordinary.  Take for example, snow. After, I think about middle school, living in South Carolina, I realized snow was rare and hard to predict.  Even if the weather service was certain it was going to snow, there were times when they were completely wrong.  So when snow was predicted to fall, I had my doubts, if anything I thought it would be the bare minimum, in contrast to the optimist, who believed it would snow 10" each time and they would run out for their milk and bread.  Anytime it actually snowed I was ecstatic because I had expected nothing.  It may not sound like much but I believe there were more endorphins or whatever happy chemicals being released in my brain more so than the average optimist.

I'm writing this now because lately with all my optimistic doctors, its been making me think. I was told many times "you'll be working in a couple of weeks," "you'll be exercising in no time," "i'm sure I can get this, no problem, i no exactly what this is."with endless amounts of confidence and optimism.  Luckily, I am a realist and took none of what they said seriously. It's been 4 months and counting and I can barely do more than walk.  But this leads back to my original thought, time and time again, optimists ask me "Why are you so pessimistic?"  And I answer telling them I don't like to set high hopes just to be disappointed. I hope for the best but I Expect the worse. But now I ask to all the optimists, Why are you so optimistic? How can you be so certain of the future? What will be your answer?  Knowing life constantly throws you curve balls and hands you lemons, why?  Aren't you tired of feeling let down?  Why not just be real.

Update: Bankruptcy, Disability, John Hopkins, and One Lucky Lady

Well I officially declare bankruptcy on March 18 thanks to the good ol' US of A.  I tried to go on a shopping spree before filing so I could get something out of the deal, but there is a rule.  The rule states that any purchases made within 75 days of the date you file for Chapter 7 you are held responsible for.  So I did not get to run up my credit card and shower myself with gifts, but it was a damn good idea, only had I thought of it 75 days earlier.  At least my bills will be paid and that will be the end of that.

I also just filed for disability. Apparently there is Social Security Disability and then there is Social Security Supplemental Insurance Disability.  Both are completely separate from one another and I qualify for both.  It takes months for the case to be approved but I think there is some back pay that was mentioned.  So maybe one day I will have some type of income coming in.  If I didn't have my parents, I don't know where I would be because I would have no money for rent or food or any other necessities. So in some aspects I am really lucky.  I am really lucky to have such a wonderful support group made up of my friends and family.

Now on to the real topic.  The reality of the severity of my situation is starting to hit me harder with each passing day. As time is slipping away I realize that I may not be able to do what I love (travel) for a very long time.  I finally have an appointment with John Hopkins in Baltimore, Maryland on April, 11th.  The hospital sent me a brochure on ARVD and inside it had a list of treatments.  There were three listed: Medicine, Heart Ablation, and Defibrillator.  Well I have a defibrillator, I have had two heart ablations, I have tried the top 5 anti-arrhythmic medications with only one being successful and that one is wearing off.  My body is becoming used to the medicine so my heart continues to race. There is only one medicine left for me to try and if that doesn't work, well i'm screwed.  It's saddening to realize I have exhausted all treatments and my heart continues to race.  In cases like these people have had to have heart transplants and I was told by one doctor that I would need one.  I think the doctors are trying not to scare me so they are not mentioning it but I am beginning to think about it more frequently and it is scarring the hell out of me.

As of now, I just need my medicine to keep me going until April 11th and we will see what the ARVD Gods have to say.  I hope for the best but I am aware of the worst.  So until then keep on, keepin on!!!!

Who's My Valentine? The Cardiologist....that's who =(

Well after waiting 4 long weeks since having my last heart ablation, I finally got to visit my cardiologist today, or rather ElectroPhysiologist.  How ironic, having a heart check up on Valentine's Day.  To begin with, I was not pleased to hear that I would have to wait a month before I would be seen again, knowing the ablation did not completely work and knowing that this was going to be a pointless check-up.

Anyways, we went and the doctor changed my medication once again since my heart has started to race more frequently. Meaning my body is adjusting to the medicine.  This will be my 4th anti-arrhythmic medicine, and it better work because the list is wearing thin.  Also he promised to call his friend who works at John Hopkins, which is up in Baltimore, Maryland and see when is best for us to visit.  I have been itchin' to go to John Hopkins for some time now, they are the #1 specialist when it comes to ARVD.  And this is why I hate waiting 3-4 weeks in between each appointment, especially when there has been no progress.  It is simply time wasted. Time that could of had me up there or attempting to get up there by now.  But the plan is now in motion and hopefully within the next couple weeks I will know a more definite time of when I will be able to be seen by the doctors of John Hopkins.

Oh yea, the doctor finally agreed to sign disability papers for me since I have been out of work for four months, and he believes that it is highly unlikely that I will be able to return to work before the summer is out.  This was pretty damaging news and put the seriousness of the situation into perspective, but at least I'll be able to collect disability.  The only thing I can hope for at this point is for a successful treatment at John Hopkins without the need of a Heart Transplant.  The thought of that just makes me cringe.

So that's it for now, thanks for reading and enjoy your day. Much Love

Expensive Bankruptcy?

What a perfect contradiction. An expensive bankruptcy.

My sickness has accumulated a mountain of hospital bills all summing in and around $500,000.  To put it in perspective, that is half a million dollars.  I just think it sounds much more expensive expressed that way.  Any who, I haven't been working for months and when I was working I wasn't making much.  So needless to say I'm BROKE.  The only way to wipe out my load of unpaid fines is, you guessed it, file for Chapter 13, aka file for Bankruptcy. Now to file for Bankruptcy you need a lawyer, and a lawyer costs money.  How much you ask?  Well in my case $1700, but usually more, and sometimes less.  See that's the beauty in our country, or was before Obama was elected into office.  After an American was so lucky to graduate from college they are then no longer covered by health insurers.  And due to the declining job market, many graduates have been left uninsured for years.  So then there's me, an uninsured alum of the University of South Carolina living the life as a seasonal worker traveling all over America.  Then one fine day my world came crashing down, or rather my heart, and in one night i owed over $40,000.  But this is only the beginning. Faster and faster this number began to increase until one lucky day because of one very special person; the bills just stopped.  That day is January 1, 2011.  That very special person is Barack Obama.  And the bills just stopped because of ObamaCare which allows all college graduates to be recovered by their parents health insurers until the age of 26.  So that means I have 2 years to get my health in order and find my own health insurance, assuming the world doesn't end and all.

The point of the story is to show how horrible America's health care system is set up.  It is not 'For the People.'  The government has mastered the art of kicking you while you are down.  Now Obama is taking steps to improve the system even though he is met with much restraint.  I commend him for keeping to his word and charging forward.  Everything is so intertwined in our world of things that our so wrong, that it is hard to start getting into the details of it all.

The Government turned the Health care system into a For-Profit Business instead of a For The People Non For Profit.  People are going to get sick, it is natural.  Why should we suffer on top of our suffering?  The people with no insurance, who get sick, who have no money, just keep getting pushed further and further down the line and there is no coming back from that.  Bottom Line.  It is a broken system that needs fixing. And I have been swallowed by its WRATH.

Blessed is This Life and I'm Going To Celebrate Being Alive

          Due to my illness I am limited in activities that I can partake in.  Therefore I have been spending much of my time surfing the Internet or rather stumbling upon websites.  It has been a wonderful opportunity for me to pause for a moment in my life and really try and learn about as many topics as possible.  At this point anything interests me, and I am willing to hear and observe it all.  But what I have really taken notice to is all the grassroots sites that are trying have their voices heard.  

           This world is seeming more and more depressing with each passing day. We (humans-->corporations) are stripping this planet of all its' natural resources and at the same time polluting it at a very alarming rate.  Just in the last 3 decades we have consumed 1/3 of the earth's natural resources.  Americans are living in an age of consumerism, using a linear system on a finite planet. It saddens me how much we have killed this planet that we live on and how much we take life for granted instead of cherishing it.  As Richard Nixon once said, "Such a strange creature man is to foul his own nest."  So true. But at the same time, life is such a miracle, and that is what keeps me going, keeps me going with a smile on my face and a hop in my step.  Whether we can or cannot reverse the poor effects that man (really the white man started all this to be honest) has made on the world, we should not stop living.  I have realized that life is such a special opportunity and it certainly does not last forever so why not make the most out of it. A good way  of living is to live each day like it is your last and learn like you will live forever.  

           It is too bad that such globalization has taken place, that indigenous tribes are being run out of their homeland, that sacred animals are becoming extinct, that resources are scarce, water is becoming undrinkable, oceans are turning black and glistening with oil, and air is becoming thick with toxins. There are over 7 BILLION of us.  That just doesn't seem plausible.  How is the earth sustaining all of us?  At the rate the population is continuing to grow and the rate we continue to drain resources, life will surely be no more. Just remember humans cannot destroy the planet, but we can destroy its capacity to keep us alive. And we are. But as inhabitants of this planet, as human beings, we must ban together and keep on living.  We must do right.  To love one another and to love this earth and most of all, to love being ALIVE. Now go give someone a HUG.

CHECK OUT    WWW.STORYOFSTUFF.COM    (you'll learn something)

A First for the Beginning Blogger

I was persuaded, although it didn't take much, by a dear friend of mine (Stephanie Schmidt) to begin a blog to keep track of everything I've been through and everything I'm going through. It's mainly for me, to let out my emotions, especially when I'm at my weakest and to remind myself of the trials and tribulations.  But it is also for my friends and family, to use as an update of how I am, because sometimes I just don't feel like talking to people or there are just too many people to keep in touch with.  I am fortunate to have a large family so that is hard enough updating all my aunts and uncles.  I am even more fortunate to have as many friends as I do, and I try my hardest to call them all but that becomes exhausting after awhile especially when I am ill.

So this is the latest:

-I have a benign tumor on my bladder that the doctor does not want to remove.  If he removes it, it has a high chance of coming back cancerous.  They think I also have Interstitial Cystitis which is a chronic bladder inflammation with no real cure.  So I have a follow up appointment on February 18th, and I have a whole lot of questions.

-I am finally starting to feel a little better from the tortous hell I had to go through with a spinal tap.  I went in to the ER on 1/30/11 due to a severe migraine that I did not know at the time was a migraine.  After the CT scan came back ok, the doc wanted to do a spinal tap to rule out an aneurysm.  The next day I was in extreme pain again and it turned out to be a spinal tap migraine.  So on the following thursday I received an epidural blood patch to fix the problem which in return gave me extreme back pain for a week.  I have a follow up appointment with the neurologist March 16th.

-Now to the main problem, the HEART.  The last ablation helped some, BUT my heart has still raced a few times and I am still on high dosed of anti-arrhythmics so that means there is still a lot of work to be done.  My next appointment is on Valentine's Day and I am 99% sure the doctor is going to suggest we go see the doctors up in Baltimore at John Hopkins since they specialize in ARVD.  So know I am just waiting for time to pass and that is about all. Tick Tock Tick Tock.