In my life up to now, I've had to face adversity time and time again. With my heart disease has come my most difficult challenges.
Panic attacks and anxiety were always just words to me. I never fully understood them and I definitely could never empathize with individuals who faced severe anxiety. Well, I understand the condition now. After another ICD shock last year, I became a victim to debilitating anxiety.
Back in 2011, when I was shocked, fear took over. Fear debilitated me. As we all know, time heals all and eventually I was able to let that fear take a back seat, and after a couple years living life as normally as possible, my ICD reared its ugly head again. This time, however, it wasn't the fear that took a hold of me but rather it was anxiety.
I began to have weekly panic attacks. Severely enough that paramedics were called and a couple attacks even required a trip to the ER. At this point, I wasn't aware that anxiety was causing all of these incidents, and it didn't help that Jackson Hole had no way to interpret my ICD. For those of you who are reading this that may not be familiar with cardiac arrhythmias, a panic attack feels almost identical to an episode of ventricular tachycardia. A racing heart, clammy hands, panic mixed with a little fear, and shortness of breath.
I remember the exact moment that my brain put the puzzle pieces together and realized all of these attacks had been caused from anxiety and not an actual arrhythmia. We were moving to Denver five months after said shock, we had just gotten back on the road from a lunch break and all of a sudden my heart starts to race. I immediately panicked, and noticed all of the same symptoms that I have been having. I had to pull over for an hour and wait for the attack to subside. Due to the majority of attacks occurring after a meal, I was able to realize my heart was not having arrhythmias, yes my heart rate would increase during those attacks, but it was purely anxiety.
These attacks left me in a vicious cycle during each episode. The panic attacks would go as follows: my heart begins to race due to the onset anxiety, which then causes more panic to set in, which then leads to an even higher rate leading then to even more anxiety and so on and so forth.
Now that I have recognized anxiety for what it is, the attacks become less and less, the panic subsides a bit, and the mind relaxes. I am still dealing with anxiety and I try to improve a little at a time, a trip to the gym for light exercise here and there, a game of disc golf, a trip to the mountains, etc. It seems the further I step, the more I heal. The fear is still there, the anxious mind remains unsettled, but the debilitation has left. I have become stronger and even more aware of how my body responds and reacts to different situations, so there are positives that came out of this negative.
The purpose in sharing my experience with anxiety is to open a dialogue amongst fellow ICD patients regarding recognizing and overcoming the fear and anxiety associated with a heart disease and a cardiac defibrillator.
