No...I Don't Have a Job.

The answer is no.  I do not have a job.  I get asked this weekly by many different people, friends, doctors, relatives, you name it, and the answer is always the same, no.  It's one thing when you're making conversation, it's another when you expect that of me while I am still trying to figure out how to comfortably manage my new life. 

I have taken all my health issues and my drastic life changes in stride, but I will admit I am starting to get a little sick and tired of actually being sick and tired.  But what's more frustrating than anything right now, is everyone I come across asking me if I'm back to work yet.  Just a little reminder, it has only been  seven months since my Tachycardia subsided thanks to incredible surgeons and a 12 hour surgery at Johns Hopkins...12 HOURS.  Before the surgery however, it was normal for my heart to race around 180 bpm while simply lying in bed.  That's nearly tripled the normal heart rate. 

Just nine months ago, I was getting zapped by my defibrillator, causing me to have phantom shocks for two months.  I was taking anti-arrhythmics; side effects being sleepless nights accompanied with zero energy during the day. I felt as close as one could to a walking Zombie.  I still have a great deal of anxiety, thousands of PVC's daily (skipped heartbeats), and I can't exercise, which makes my weight hard to manage. 

With that said, I think it will be okay if I decide not to work for awhile.  Not only will it be okay, I believe it is somewhat normal for someone to stay out of work for a year or two after having six surgeries, multiple diagnosis, and a heart that forever will be unstable.  Not to mention I do not have the emotional or physical stability for a job.  Even though I am off my anti-arrhythmics, I am still on a very high dose of blood pressure medicine to keep my adrenaline at bay.  Therefore, whenever I do have enough energy to do something,  I in turn am worn out the following  day or two.  So I ask, how can I possibly work a 40-hour work week when I don't even have enough strength to go out for a walk every day? 

I just want to live simply, like in the days of Andy Griffith and Barney Fife, where it was  suitable to sit by a pond all day, everyday, whistling all your cares away.  I find it saddening that all we do is work.  We work almost our entire lives.  We work when we're sick, we work in poor weather, we work on holidays, we work when family members are ill and /or dying, we work way more than 40-hour work weeks.  We work for decades in order to retire at an age where we are almost too old to even go out and enjoy new adventures we saved our whole lives for.  When will we say it is acceptable not to work? 

With a staggering unemployment rate, even if I was healthy, it would still be difficult to find a job.  And with all the stigmas that come with being unemployed, every time I am asked about a job and I respond, "No, I don't have one," I feel as though it is an admission of laziness.  Well damn it,  I'm disabled.  I have three incurable diseases, I have a life that spun out of control, I have been shocked 11 times,  I have crazy anxiety, I can't exercise, I'm trying to manage my weight through all this as well as my emotions, and this has all taken place in a year and three months, so let me take two years off and collect some damn disability.  

Quit expecting me to go back to work simply because that's what we, Americans, do.  I'll work when I'm fully ready and capable.  Can't people just be sick anymore these days, while having the pleasure not to worry about employment.  I already had to file for bankruptcy to pay for medical bills.  Let me enjoy what little time I can without a job.  Life will never be the same for me, and with this disease I might have to start working at a place I really dislike, which I absolutely do not want to do.  So, I am taking this time to figure out what I want to do with myself, trying to find an acceptable new direction in life.  Because as a year ago, my life got flipped upside down and I will never be able to go back to living and working where I was,  or where I want to be.  I will always need doctors close by and I will always have to have health insurance.  

So if you see me...don't ask me if I have started working.  If I want to talk about it, I will bring it up on my own accord.  I'm still sick.  I probably won't start looking for a job until I am entirely confident in my health, so deal with it.  As long as I'm happy through all this, isn't that the only thing that should matter at this point.  Obtaining a job is not even close to making it on my To Do List as of now.  It's my body, it's my life, and I will make the choices I think are appropriate, and getting a job right now is not the appropriate choice.  However, enrolling in Cardiac Rehab is, and that's exactly what I'm focusing on, as long as insurance will cover it, that is.

Well now that I've gotten that off my chest...I feel pretty good!