Leaps and Bounds

Since mid-September I have taken huge leaps and bounds in my recovery process due to the fact that my health has returned enough to start getting me out of the house and enjoying some of what life has to offer.  Just in this past month, I managed to travel across the states solo, attend a couple different concerts, hike up and down stairs, carry around heavy objects, and go apple picking in the mountains.  These various activities act as stepping stones toward a healthy recovery. Some small and others more significant, but regardless of  the size of the step, each one is an attempt at regaining some kind of normalcy and confidence back into my daily life, and so far so good.

First of all, apple picking and climbing stairs may not seem like much to most , but it's quite a big deal for me. The reason why is because the orchard sits in the mountains, which requires a good bit of walking through fluctuating hills while carrying large weighted bulky pales of apples.  In the past 11 months, my total mileage walked probably does not exceed three or four.  Of course this is just a guesstimate, but when it comes to physical activity, including walking and even climbing stairs, I truly have done little to none in the past year.  I even have to take a ramp or elevator when accessible otherwise I get out of breath and overcome with anxiety, although, ever since my last ablation my heart has remained stable enough allowing me to walk about a bit more, and even lug some things around (groceries, luggage, apples, etc.).  So since I have been feeling stronger and healthier, I decided to set out on my first cross-country trip by myself, followed by a couple of concerts when I returned. So far I have had no incidences and therefore I have been somewhat successful in regaining some of my confidence.

The biggest milestone of my recovery so far was the decision to actually go through with the cross-country vacation out to Glacier National Park in Montana.  The purpose of the trip was to gain back some of my confidence, prove that I had the health in me to start traveling again, and to visit all my wonderful friends while relaxing in the crisp fall mountain air of East Glacier.  I chose to fly out of Atlanta,GA because the airport offered the cheapest fares and I got to stay with one of my best friends for a few nights. Three nights were spent down in Atlanta before I departed, but only one night before I had a total nervous breakdown.

See, my friend (Jonathan) lives on the second floor of an apartment building.  Prior to this visit, I had only walked up a flight of stairs a handful of times in the past year, and one of those times,  I almost went into cardiac arrest and died down in South Lake Tahoe.   Needless to say, I lost my breath reaching the top of the stairs triggering some strong and noticeable PVC's (skipped heartbeats), although I don't think the hot and humid weather helped much.  The PVC's elevated my anxiety levels a great deal and got me over thinking, scared, panicked and ready to call an end to my trip, which hadn't even really begun yet.   So I cried and cried some more, and started playing the 'What If' game with myself.   I was afraid if I was having bad PVC's walking up steps in Atlanta, what would walking up steps in 4000ft+ elevation going to do for me, what if I go into v-tach, what if I get shocked and the nearest cardiac care is 90 minutes away?  Those thoughts raced a mile a minute in my head, so I made a few phone calls to get others' opinions and advice.  I proceeded to call my mom, my brother, as well as my friends in Glacier.  And the following day I talked to the doctors at Johns Hopkins and some other friends online and the conversations were unanimous, I must go, and so I did.

I talked about the decision with doctors and discussed the possibility of getting shocked.  They helped calm my nerves a bit and reassured me if my device did fire that means it's doing its' job and saving my life, and yes it will hurt, and yes it will be scary and emotionally draining, but it will save me from a far worse outcome.  Luckily, I never was shocked.  Other than my usual PVC's and constant anxiety, the trip was very relaxing.  It was medicine for my emotional health. This trip not only boosted my confidence but it restored my mental stability, it restored who I am, my personality.  It was good to socialize with friends and just be silly and laugh, and it was equally good to sit in silence and stare at the mountains, and soak up the fresh crisp cool air while reading a book.  I'm just so lucky that I have friends that support me, and let me visit them and annoy them.  It was a much needed vacation, and I had a wonderful time.

One week after returning to Greenville, I headed back down to Atlanta for a small show at a restaurant/bar called The Earl.  This was my first concert in 11 months, my first concert since my ICD (defibrillator), and my first concert since being officially diagnosed.  The artists put on an amazing show, yet I wasn't able to fully immerse myself in the music as I usually might.  Patrons showed up primarily for the last band, Shovels and Rope (Cary Ann Hearst & Michael Trent), which is an extremely high-energy duet with beautiful vocals, similar to The White Stripes. However, I did not make the trip to Atlanta solely for Shovels and Rope, I was also there to see the opening act, Big Tree; an up and coming folk band that is fastly gaining popularity amongst college students.  They have wonderful harmonies and an organic sound and look to them.  But, I had a problem,  as much as the crowd seemed into the band, no one was dancing.  They made this apparent by giving the band a loud round of applause at the end of each song while remaining very statuesque during the entire set. I don't know if I was more pissed because I couldn't dance or because no one else was.  Even the headlining act kept raving about how good Big Tree was, and it was definitely dancing music, so why was no one dancing?

The crowd needed a catalyst, someone with no cares or worries to lead them up to the front of the stage, and all I wanted that night was to be that catalyst.  I wanted to walk right up to the edge of the stage and start rocking out with my hippie skirt in hopes that the rest of the crowd would follow, but sadly I was unable to do so.  I had the inability to do so because of the lack of confidence and trust not only in my device but also in my heart..  And hearing stories of other patients getting zapped while dancing admittedly doesn't help me get back out on the dance floor any sooner.  But a switch must have been flipped somewhere in the bar because as soon as Shovels and Rope started playing their first tune, the crowd rushed the stage and started grooving to the music, singing along.  The crowd was at least 6 rows deep, so I grabbed a chair and sat against a wall right by the corner of the stage with a great view, but it certainly put a cramp in my style. My personality is not to alienate myself by sitting off in a corner watching everyone else have a wild time.  As much of you already know, I am quite the extrovert.  I like to be in the center of the fun, especially at a concert; front row, dancing with wild abandonment, connecting with the music, and so far it's been about the opposite of that.

Two weeks after my second trip to Atlanta, I went and saw Fleet Foxes in Asheville, NC.  Before the show began, I met a super cool chick from Ohio,but as soon as the music started she was up on her feet dancing, but not me, nope.  I didn't have the energy, nor the confidence in my device to dance. I know she was thinking I was totally lame for not dancing, but what was I to do?  I did however manage to stand-up for the encore and jive with the music a bit, but at the cost of some high anxiety.   I find it interesting to think what others perceive of me in those situations.  Here is a healthy looking twenty-something sitting by herself.  Why isn't she dancing?  Why is she just sitting there, she's not even drinking?  See, it's a bit of a conundrum and an annoying one at that. Everyone tells me how healthy and good I look but my insides tell a different story, I just wish people could hear or see that story.  My looks are misleading everyone!

Despite a few minor glitches here and there, my recent activities have helped me start feeling like myself again. On the other hand, they have also helped me realize, although the thought was always in the back of my mind, that my life is categorically changed forever.  No longer will I be able to participate in many of the things I love.   No more hiking or climbing or dancing or even sports for that matter. I will never again be able to go for a run, or a swim workout, or play a game of ultimate or basketball.  I guess I'm still having a hard time grasping the fact that I will never  be able to exercise again, EXERCISE; what a primal and necessary function of life.  This Earth and our lives on this earth are so physical, that being active is such an innate part of us all. It is not only hard to come to terms with being disabled and inert, but hard to actually resist the urge to participate in the aforementioned activities. I've also realized my late nights and bar stays and party plans are pretty much extinct as well.  It's just too hard to hang around people raging while I sit idly by.

Another realization I have made in the past couple months is how much more of a humble person this disease has made me.  I have always been a 'Do It Yourself' kind of gal, always trying to avoid asking for help, believing I know the answers to everything, but this disease has made me completely change my way of thinking.  Obviously I don't have all the answers, but what's more is that I have learned that it is ok to rely on others, to ask others for a helping hand.  At first, I felt like asking for help made me some what of a weaker person, but surviving everything I've gone through, I know that I am a very strong person, emotionally and physically.  Even though I am strong, I still need to learn that it's okay to break down and cry once in a while, that part I still have trouble with.  Crying also makes me feel weak and I feel as though it gives others the perception that I am unable to handle my struggles. But I can,  I can handle my situation, it's just an emotional one.

Like I said, I am in the process of rebuilding my confidence.  I have two more concerts coming up.  I probably still won't be dancing but I will be enjoying myself, because I'm alive and I'm doing well.  I've matured a lot in this past year. I've been forced to grow up much sooner than I expected.  But, life can't be predicted, that is unless you have a deck of tarot cards, that's why plans are best when they are not made.  You just got to learn to roll with the punches and remember that it could ALWAYS be worse.   And we all need to learn to love and be thankful for what we got and stop worrying so much about what we don't have in order to start living life.  I hope you enjoy the music videos below, and you should definitely check out their other videos on YouTube.

Peace and Love Ya'll

Shovels and Rope 
(taped from inside the very modest tour van)

Big Tree  

(YouTube Channel: BigTreeSings)